Even while facing criminal charges in both the United States and Europe, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is threatening Democratic interests around the globe. As heinous as his releases of an Al Qaeda Target List and names of CIA Agents abroad were, his latest proclamation is all the more upsetting. WikiLeaks is pledging to release, on December 25th Eastern Standard Time, multiple documents “shedding truthful and damaging light” on Christmas as we know it.
The Xmas Files, as WikiLeaks has dubbed them, contain classified information about the operations of Santa Nicholas Claus and his operations at the North Pole. While we do not condone the release of these documents, we hope your curiosity will be satiated by this carefully chosen sample.
1. The Naughty List. Through their clandestine Elven infiltrators, WikiLeaks has obtained a portion of Mr. Claus’s Official 2010 Naughty And Nice List. While seeing such names as Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, and even Mr. Assange himself on the more sinister side of the ledger, the classified files on every human being are also included in graphic detail.
Considerably darkening the matter was the alleged method of information retrieval by the North Pole syndicate. There are evidently over two million informants on the Claus payroll worldwide, including ex CIA, KGB, East German Stasi and regular people with pocket-sized recording devices worldwide. Mr. Assange claims his documents came from a disgruntled Claus informant who was sold out at Heathrow Airport trying to move these documents to Greenland, the territory nearest Santa’s homestead.
The following is a portion of the list in the possession of WikiLeaks.
2. The Location of the Pole. Many have ignored their fleeting suspicions as to why Santa Claus’s laboratory is located at the North Pole. For years it was assumed that the 365 days of winter created a constant Christmas Wonderland, a magical place where it’s The Most Wonderful Time All Year. But eye-opening documents held by WikiLeaks show another factor: it’s technically international space.
Evidently, Mr. Claus gets way more from his North Pole location than just powder-white snow. Since it is not part of any national body, he doesn’t pay a dime in federal income or property tax. He is also not subject to the rulings by the United Nations, Geneva Conventions, or Amnesty International, refusing to provide a decent living wage or sanitary living conditions for his teeming masses of elf workers. While Santa lives in gaudy Saddam-like palaces that feature year-round Christmas lights and mechanical polar bears, the elves live forty to a room in wooden barracks with only the bare minimum of steam heating to keep them from freezing to death. After all, elves are traditionally temperate woodland creatures.
The following is an electric bill stolen by one of WikiLeaks’ informants.
3. The Chimney Truth. Also indicting Kris Kringle is hard evidence regarding his infiltration of every home on Christmas morning. The story goes that Santa, despite his size and the volume of the gifts, slithers down the chimney to deliver presents to the good little boys and girls of the world. The truth is shocking and terrible.
Turns out, Christmas delivery does not begin on December 24th, but on September 8th, in which Mr. Claus orders the illegal phone tapping of every phone in the world. His team of surveillance elves, one of which is the likely source of this information, take detailed and highly unethical notes regarding entryways into each and every domicile. Using a slush fund from illegal arms sales, they bribe the ADT, Brinks, and Sloman’s Shield companies for their residential security alarm codes. And while the entering of your home is often through the chimney, Santa sits on the roof eating biscuits while his elves, who are not even given health benefits or hazard pay, are forced to schlep the gifts from the sleigh to the tree. Any elf caught slacking or not bringing the cookies and milk to the roof for their master is subject to vicious medieval torture and potential execution.
Here's the signed confession by Boris the Elf.
4. The Plans. While it made total sense back in the days of the hobby horse and the paper doll, the idea that Santa Claus’s factory is capable of providing iPads, Xboxes, and flat panel televisions to the youth of America seems unfathomable. How could they actually deliver the same product provided by Apple, Microsoft, or LG? The answer is devastating to the North Pole corporation.
Mrs. Claus, the lovely better-half to Santa, personally overseas a network of international industrial spies who hack into corporate mainframes and steal plans for some of the most wished-after products on the globe. They then return the plans to the North Pole where kidnapped German engineers are blackmailed into building them to the exact specifications. They are also forced to wear demeaning elf costumes to maintain the sanctity of the myth. Not only does this operation owe over $70 trillion in copyright infringement fines, they are also responsible for the murder of two Sony of Japan factory security guards who, “picked the wrong time to wake up from their nap.”
The following is a translation of a recording from the Sony of Japan robbery. Please note this is not suitable for children.
Here's the English translation below.
Mrs. Claus: We need the plans to the Playstation 3 and the BluRay player.
Conspirator #1: The Playstation 3 is a BluRay player.
Mrs. Claus: I’ll ask you not to talk back to me.
Conspirator #2: Madame Claus. I was able to copy all of Sony’s plans for their new line of mp3 players. What shall I do with the originals.
Mrs. Claus: Burn them. That’s an order.
(unknown sounds)
Mrs. Claus: Look, get him!
Security Guard: No, please! I won’t tell anyone anything.
Mrs. Claus: We’ll be sure about that. Take his tongue.
Security Guard: No! No! (inaudible)
5. The Bold Faced Red Nosed Lie. Nearly as iconic as Santa himself is the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, whose legendary lightbulb on the tip of his snout guides the magic sleigh through the Christmas night air. If only the reality was so playful and childlike.
WikiLeaks has evidence to prove that the name, “Red Nosed Reindeer” was actually a moniker given by Rudolph’s enemies. Rudy, as he is known on the streets of the North Pole, has killed over 200 elves at the command of Santa Claus. The wonderful deer is actually the implement by which Santa tortures and maims his unruly staffmembers. WikiLeaks has promised a video in which an elf, who knocked over a plastic snowman perched on a lawn, is gored like a weak bullfighter by the vicious Rudy as Donner and Blitzen callously take bets on how long the elf can crawl away before succumbing to his injuries. All of this took place under the watchful eye of Kringle, a man whose jolly nature is more challenged by the leak.
Smuggled Screen Grab from North Pole Security Surveillance Video.
This is a transcribed voicemail recording from the Headquarters of Amnesty International in London, UK.
Recording: Thank you for calling Amnesty International. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it now, or wait for the tone to leave a brief message. Thanks!
Caller: Listen, I need to talk fast. He’ll kill me if he finds out. The reindeer. He’s using the reindeer to kill everyone. Blood, so much blood everywhere. The snow runs red with it. Oh my god, no! No, Rudy, no! You bastard! You son of a bitch! You’ll go down in history, you bastard!
-end-
6. The Worst Lie. Perhaps the most shocking and horrible claim made by the WikiLeaks site is the insidious insinuation that Santa Claus, including his North Pole factory, reindeer, and legion of slave elves, does not exist. Mr. Assange claims that every single present delivered by Santa is actually delivered by your parents. Not only that, but those cookies and milk are not consumed by Kringle as a peace offering, but by your father as he watches The Daily Show.
While the WikiLeaks site has concrete proof of the rest of this content, this final lie is one I simply cannot believe. After all, the packages are signed ‘Santa’ for a reason, aren’t they?
Email correspondence between Julian Assange and Christine Assange.
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